Once upon a time, Phillip Selway had a beautiful blonde mane of sexiness. Phil got all the chicks and everyone loved him. Jonny Greenwood was jealous of his golden locks and in an act of spite shaved it all off while he was sleeping. As you can imagine, Phil was very distressed by this and became extremely paranoid. He started sleeping with a helmet on and got Ed to ‘guard’ him while he slept. Jonny knew that if he was to truly become the ‘hair’ of the throne, he would have to step up his game. So, one day when everyone was off eating dinner at a Sushi Bar in Tokyo, Jonny slipped out and visited an old magic shop. The shop was stacked with potions and sorcery books. “Can I help you?” Said and old man with a long grey beard and age-tanned skin. Jonny explained that he needed a spell that would stop hair growth forever, lying that he was sick of shaving his legs every hour. “Ahhh, you want the Rapunzel curse.” Nodded the old man, returning from under the counter with a parchment.
Jonny left the store, feeling smug and chuckling evilly. That night, in the hotel, Jonny waited until Phil was asleep. To make sure Ed wouldn’t be there, he laced Ed’s coffee with a strong laxative that would keep him in the bathroom for a good four hours. Though, knowing Ed, it would probably be six before he returned.
The night was still, the faint sound of traffic lingering in the back of Jonny’s ears. This was his chance. Chanting something along the lines of ‘BAREHISHEADFORETERNITYASBLADASACOOT’ and doing a dance that he’d seen Thom demonstrate far too often, the furniture began to shake and rattle. A blue glowing mist appeared covering poor, unsuspecting Phil’s head and strand by strand, each golden strand of perfection began to shrivel into what looked like the kind of egg noodles you’d buy at an American service station. Jonny gave a small cheer and did a little jump in the air. His dark brown mane was now the most perfect thing in the world.
[Epilogue] Thom drew his head away from the crack in the door, shocked and confused. Slowly, he walked over to the cupboard. He could tell no one. He would stay here for the next three days. Yes. It’s not like he had to play the gigs, right?
And this, my friends is the reason why Phil Selway is bald.